Cross about the Crossing

"What's a crossing, Dad?"

"Is it a bridge? Is it a tunnel?"

 

"No, son its a crossing"
 
What's the Dartford Crossing, Dad?"
 
"It is a mess son, its a great big mess!"

During the 1970's a clever, far-sighted man called Cyril Engineer working in Thurrock for the Department Of Transport [now cunningly renamed the Department For Transport] came up with the wonderful idea that it would be much quicker to visit his sister in Slough on Sundays if there was a motorway running around London instead of the family always having to battle through London traffic.

So, Cyril and his mates drew up plans to build a super, new, five lane circular motorway all the way round London. It would solve traffic problems throughout the south east of England at a stroke.

"Great Idea!"  said the quick witted Transport Minister with an eye on promotion, "but there will never be enough traffic to justify five lanes. You can build it, but with three lanes only"

" By the way, Minister, what name shall we give this new road?

" Why not.... M25, that's pretty meaningless," suggested Mr Manyhomes M.P. helpfully

Thus the splendid highway was born that would speed one and all on their way to grandma, the shops, the airport, the ferry, the theatre.....well, to everywhere.  It was such a good idea, people with all types of vehicles flocked to it. 100,000, 150,000, 200,000 vehicles a day drove on to it. Pretty soon "M25" was becoming a synonym for congestion

Before long Cyril Engineer's new motorway was so popular it was clear each carriageway should be at least four lanes wide.

Unfortunately, about this time, some rail-commuting genius in the Department Of/For/By/With Transport arrived at the bizarre conclusion that driving had become so popular the nation should stop building new motorways

That way, he reasoned, the Treasury could keep countless billions of road and fuel taxes to spend on unworkable computer dreams, five star immigrant hostels with clean moats, luxury accommodations for ducks and first class rail tickets for poor, dear, sensitive, parliamentarians to finish off their sudoku puzzles in peace. It would also greatly advance Jeremy Jobsworth's chances of a gong.

The great and the good huddled in secret enclave at the Department For/Of/By/With/Without Transport and decided in future to widen only five miles of the M25 at a time, so not to upset emotionally vulnerable tree dwellers. The whole project would probably take a hundred years. The Treasury would be thrilled.

Meanwhile, Mr and Mrs Average Motorist-Taxpayer were considerately donating billions more to the national coffers. They even forked out another £200,000,000 to build a smashing new four lane bridge over the Thames at Dartford. It was another brilliant idea from Mr Cyril Engineer who was, by now, nearing retirement.

Four lanes of traffic would now move easily southbound over the bridge and four lanes of traffic could also move smoothly north anti-clockwise through the old Dartford tunnel.

This would remove the last M25 bottleneck; the tunnel under the Thames at Dartford. Visiting loved ones would forever be a trouble free trip. A better quality of life for all of us!

Not so fast, Batman!  The Mandarins at the Department For Transport were plotting revenge.

Firstly, the newly knighted Sir Jeremy Jobsworth immmediately proceeded to build a mighty road block at the southern end of the bridge and tunnel in the form of  "temporary" toll gates. Perhaps, he might soon be ennobled as Lord Jobsworth of Erith in the County of Jams.

"The toll is just temporary until the bridge is paid for." added Sir Jeremy without even blinking once.

Nextly, he craftily arranged for two of Europe's biggest retail parks, Bluewater and Lakeside to be opened conveniently at either end of the crossing.
 

Then, he cleverly organized the new M20 from the Channel Tunnel to intersect with the M25 just three miles south of the tunnel, disgorging thousands of huge trucks right in front of the measly thirteen northbound toll booths.

 

Then he topped off this grand design by allowing some nice property developer chappies to build a vast complex of empty warehouses and office blocks right up to the roadside by the toll booths, so that there would only ever be space for fourteen southbound and thirteen northbound toll booths.
 

A new bureaucracy would be required to collect all the "temporary" toll money. The Thurrock Toll Bridge....but what about the tunnel?  The Dartford Toll Tunnel....but what about the bridge?
So the "The Dartford Crossing" was created.  How clever!

 If there was no toll, we could just have a tunnel and a bridge and the "Dartford Crossing" could be despatched to Alice in Wonderland where it belongs.
 
So, after thirty five years, what has the collective genius of Sir Jeremy Jobsworth and Mr Minister Manyhomes delivered to the long suffering public?

After spending many billions of taxpayers money constructing and widening the M25 motorway, building bridges, refurbishing tunnels to speed up traffic flow and make life better in southern England, what is the success story to be told?

A better motorway network? A more productive economy and infrastructure? A better quality of travel for motorists?

Not a chance! Europe's biggest permanent traffic jam is what they have created, and it costs billions more in delays than will ever collected at the tolls.

The Dartford Crossing Toll is the quintessential monument to the blinkered stupidity, short-sighted remoteness of senior
 civil servants and their political masters cloistered in first class comfort in Westminster.

In a final mafia-like insult to the long suffering British motorist, the Government recently announced it would sell the Dartford Crossing to a private operator meaning the "temporary toll" will now become permanent and the Treasury can cream off their take for ever more.

Meanwhile, the plain fact staring civil servants in the face is that the simple removal of the Dartford Crossing Toll would immediately boost the nation's productivity and instantly improve the quality of life of  millions of citizens.
 
Last Friday afternoon heading home after visiting a customer in Sussex, I queued as usual for six miles at a snail's pace to reach the toll at the tunnel entrance of the Dartford Crossing  and once through, counted eight miles of queues on the opposite carriageway crawling southbound to reach the bridge toll of the Dartford Crossing.............

 

..............."and that, son, is what makes me cross about the Crossing. Very fucking cross indeed!"